Strong, beautiful, destructive mess

My heart is bleeding...when all the things that you had your self-worth, security, comfort and trust in simply fall apart...all at once...all that remains is a disillusioned, desperate, hungry, naked, vulnerable soul. All that could be shaken has been shaken, all that could be broken has been broken. The battle is raging...I have been cut so deep, fallen so deep into the pit of despair. I use what little strength I have left to desperately try to crawl out..to get back on solid ground. Desperate to quickly cover myself..pick up the broken pieces of the superficial wall of comfort I had so painstakingly created around myself..to cover me..my shame..my nakedness..my already broken and dark heart. I quickly look around for something..anything..that will fill the massive holes..to stop the bleeding. I look down and grasp anything I can get my hands on and begin to shove them into the holes...and for a brief moment I find comfort in it. But then..it doesn't hold..it breaks like a dam..the blood again pours forth and the hole is now even larger. I am even more naked...more vulnerable. Finally, I look up, only briefly, I see the magnificent light shining on me...and I am ashamed..angry. My gaze returns to the ground beneath me. I again begin to search for something..anything. And as always, I find exactly what I am looking for and the cycle continues. Finally, I look around and see that my efforts to repair the wall are futile...I am simply succeeding in making the holes even bigger. The blood continues to pour out..I become faint..my heart begins to fail me. I fall, my face hits the ground so hard, the tears spring forth like a well. It's over, I gave it all I had..it wasn't enough. It's cold, it's dark, I am numb. I close my eyes and wait for my heart to stop beating.. Wait, what is that? Something warm...comforting, like a sweet spring breeze. It envelopes me. I feel arms wrap around me and pick me up. Strong, warm, comforting arms. I still can't open my eyes. My body is completely limp, I can't move. I can still feel the warm tears caressing down my face. My heart feels as though there are a million daggers piercing it, I can barely breath. I begin to focus on the warmth of the One that carries me. The warmth is penetrating into me, I let it consume me. I feel it move throughout my body. And then I feel it wash over my heart like a wave of warm oil. The feeling is wonderful. I take a deep breath from deep within me. A breath like I have never taken before - it felt like the first breath I have ever taken. Calmness, peace, comfort...could it be...yes, yes it is...joy. I am safe, I am covered - blanketed. Loved, adored, beautiful, strong...alive. I open my eyes...slowly...and peer up at the face of the One that carries me - I am blinded. The face is made of pure light - white blazing light - that pierced my eyes like lightning and felt as though it shot through my entire being. I quickly close my eyes. But I must open them again - I must. I slowly lift my head and gaze into the eyes of My Beloved as He gazes back into mine - those beautiful eyes - so full of love and desire. Not sadness or disappointment or anger, but simply love and longing. He is ravished by my beauty... His mouth doesn't move, but He is speaking to me..it's as though the words are forming within my heart. He is confessing His love for me. It strengthens me in my innermost being. He slows and gently places my feet on the ground, His arm is still wrapped around my upper body supporting me. My gaze has still never left His. And then...He asks me to trust Him, to allow Him to lead me. To lay down my plans, my rights, my judgement of right and wrong, good and evil. I say yes...I trust You! My heart sings! I lay down my plans, my desires, my will and I ask Him to replace them with His plans, His desires, His perfect will..