Through the Fire - A Vision

So...I’m at that place...it hurts...it hurts bad! I am faced with a choice..the first option - the more appealing one at the moment...is to run, throw up the walls, get angry, strike out, pull in. Whatever it takes not to feel the pain, the pain that feels like it will consume me. But, can I really run from it? It is possible to run...from yourself? The pain, the hurt..it is a part of me.

So, the second option...face it, feel it, confront it. But how? Love! Love conquers ALL! TRUST...God? Yes...He will not disappoint. His way doesn’t always make sense at the moment and is almost never the way that seems easiest...in the short term. But, long term...it is the only way!

It is so hard to live constantly trying to step around the pain...cover it, protect it, contain it - it is exhausting. No, no, the only way is to push through it. Take His hand, trust Him, let Him lead me through it - to the other side where forgiveness, healing and wholeness await. I must take His hand and let Him lead me straight through the fire. I must trust Him not to allow the fire to consume me.

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I find myself standing in front of a very large fire. I am filled with fear. I then realize that Jesus is standing next to me. I take His hand and He begins to slowly and gently lead me toward the fire. I begin to sweat - I can feel the heat. With each step the heat increases - everything in me is telling me to...turn...run...protect myself from the flame. The fear of being burnt begins to consume me. I lose focus of the hand that is guiding me, I am now focused on the intense heat. I turn, I run. I don’t even remember letting go of His hand - it just happened.

I find myself once again...standing in front of the fire. Fear has almost consumed me. But then, He steps in front of me - His gaze locks with mine. I forget all about the fire - all I can see are His beautiful eyes! He holds out both of His hands...I slowly place my hands in His. Still consumed by His gaze, I hardly notice the slow steps we have been taking toward the flame. I am drenched in sweat, but I am still focused on Him who leads me. I then feel a drop of sweat roll down my forehead and it stings my eye...I immediately close my eyes and began to wipe them with my hands. When I open my eyes, I realize I am standing right in the middle of the fire. I can faintly hear His voice calling my name. I more clearly hear the voice inside of me screaming, “RUN! It’s burning you”. I can smell the burning flesh...I, again, turn and run...

Again, He is standing in front of me. I am still looking past Him - I am focused on the fire. He softly says my name and I look at Him. Again, our eyes lock - those beautiful eyes. He once again holds out His hands. I hesitate; thoughts of the burning...I remember the smell of burning flesh...and it begins to consume me again. He says my name again..the way He says my name...the love that is His voice...I know I can trust Him. I very slowly reach toward His outstretched hands, He gently grasps them. He tells me to keep my eyes fixed on His...those beautiful eyes. I barely realize we are moving forward...slowly. Again...it starts to get hot. He reassures me - “keep your eyes fixed on mine”. I smell the burning flesh...the panic begins to overtake me. I let go of His hands and prepare to run...the fire... All of a sudden...His hands are on either side of my face - His eyes piercing mine - “trust me”. The panic begins to subside...those
beautiful eyes...we are moving forward again. It’s burning...those beautiful eyes. The smell of burning flesh...those beautiful eyes.

He then embraces me, my heart if flooded with love - I feel as though I cannot contain it. His arms...I don’t ever want to be anywhere else, ever! He steps back and puts His arm around my shoulder and turns me around...the fire...we made it...we walked through. He leads me up to it and takes my hand and places it in the fire...it doesn’t burn...it’s not even hot. All it does is make more and more love spring forth out of my heart...

Strong, beautiful, destructive mess

My heart is bleeding...when all the things that you had your self-worth, security, comfort and trust in simply fall apart...all at once...all that remains is a disillusioned, desperate, hungry, naked, vulnerable soul. All that could be shaken has been shaken, all that could be broken has been broken. The battle is raging...I have been cut so deep, fallen so deep into the pit of despair. I use what little strength I have left to desperately try to crawl out..to get back on solid ground. Desperate to quickly cover myself..pick up the broken pieces of the superficial wall of comfort I had so painstakingly created around myself..to cover me..my shame..my nakedness..my already broken and dark heart. I quickly look around for something..anything..that will fill the massive holes..to stop the bleeding. I look down and grasp anything I can get my hands on and begin to shove them into the holes...and for a brief moment I find comfort in it. But then..it doesn't hold..it breaks like a dam..the blood again pours forth and the hole is now even larger. I am even more naked...more vulnerable. Finally, I look up, only briefly, I see the magnificent light shining on me...and I am ashamed..angry. My gaze returns to the ground beneath me. I again begin to search for something..anything. And as always, I find exactly what I am looking for and the cycle continues. Finally, I look around and see that my efforts to repair the wall are futile...I am simply succeeding in making the holes even bigger. The blood continues to pour out..I become faint..my heart begins to fail me. I fall, my face hits the ground so hard, the tears spring forth like a well. It's over, I gave it all I had..it wasn't enough. It's cold, it's dark, I am numb. I close my eyes and wait for my heart to stop beating.. Wait, what is that? Something warm...comforting, like a sweet spring breeze. It envelopes me. I feel arms wrap around me and pick me up. Strong, warm, comforting arms. I still can't open my eyes. My body is completely limp, I can't move. I can still feel the warm tears caressing down my face. My heart feels as though there are a million daggers piercing it, I can barely breath. I begin to focus on the warmth of the One that carries me. The warmth is penetrating into me, I let it consume me. I feel it move throughout my body. And then I feel it wash over my heart like a wave of warm oil. The feeling is wonderful. I take a deep breath from deep within me. A breath like I have never taken before - it felt like the first breath I have ever taken. Calmness, peace, comfort...could it be...yes, yes it is...joy. I am safe, I am covered - blanketed. Loved, adored, beautiful, strong...alive. I open my eyes...slowly...and peer up at the face of the One that carries me - I am blinded. The face is made of pure light - white blazing light - that pierced my eyes like lightning and felt as though it shot through my entire being. I quickly close my eyes. But I must open them again - I must. I slowly lift my head and gaze into the eyes of My Beloved as He gazes back into mine - those beautiful eyes - so full of love and desire. Not sadness or disappointment or anger, but simply love and longing. He is ravished by my beauty... His mouth doesn't move, but He is speaking to me..it's as though the words are forming within my heart. He is confessing His love for me. It strengthens me in my innermost being. He slows and gently places my feet on the ground, His arm is still wrapped around my upper body supporting me. My gaze has still never left His. And then...He asks me to trust Him, to allow Him to lead me. To lay down my plans, my rights, my judgement of right and wrong, good and evil. I say yes...I trust You! My heart sings! I lay down my plans, my desires, my will and I ask Him to replace them with His plans, His desires, His perfect will..